So close!

So far this pregnancy has been the complete opposite of what I experienced with Zee. But now the two pregnancies have one thing in common: my non-dilating cervix. My midwife assured me that this labor would not be the same as my labor with Zee, but so far my body is proving her wrong. As much as I want to meet this baby and see her sweet little face, I am not overly anxious for her to arrive. I am content to let my uterus hold her close until she decides she is ready to meet the world. Zee reminds me almost daily that the baby will be born on the baby's birthday; it's really so sweet, and it reminds me that yes...this baby will have a birthday of her own choosing, which makes it so special. As uncomfortable as I have been, I love the surprise and suspense that come with being due any day. This little girl will be here when she is ready!

We've had a stressful month, and at times I questioned why all of these things had to pile up as my due date was so quickly approaching. I've finally come to the conclusion that a) it's better for all of it to happen before the baby is here, and b) God really is making sure that I'm prepared for this birth. I've been in a terribly negative mindset regarding this birth lately, but all of the stressful events of the month have forced me to let go. I can only imagine that it is going to help this birth to let go of the negativity, to let go of the control issues, to let go of my fears. To embrace the help from others, to realize that we are loved, and to look forward to this baby's arrival as the blessing that it is, rather than worry and stress over it.

One of the last issues holding me back in regards to this pregnancy is the fact that J and I just cannot decide on the baby's name. I KNOW what her name is...I have grown this little being inside of my body for 39 weeks and five days now (and we actually do know the exact date of conception - Happy Birthday, Zee!). I have such an intimate knowledge of her little personality already, something J just can't know right now. I know how she moves, how she feels inside of me, what positions she likes, when she is awake or asleep. I know her. I wish J trusted me with this knowledge, but instead he thinks I'm fighting for the name I want, when really I'm fighting for the name that fits her. We have agreed on several names, but when I "try them on", they just don't work for her. So, one of my deepest desires at this moment is that once she is here in my arms, J will realize that this is our daughter, and that this is her name.

And just for reference, I'm not stressing over the name just for the name's sake, but we need a birth certificate as soon as possible in order to enroll her in the military's healthcare system so she can be seen immediately and have her newborn testing done. This part of planning a homebirth is a little more stressful (since I won't have the hospital taking care of it all), but it will be worth it to have a triumphant birth!

That was really rambly, but I feel like I need to get everything out, to help let go and welcome this baby properly. My mind has been spinning, and it's finally releasing all of the negativity that has been recently hanging out there.