Dreams

Sometimes admitting our deepest desires really sets off a chain reaction. This is a story of dreams that do come true.

When I was a child, I wanted to be either a veterinarian or an obstetrician. Something about delivering babies called me. I wouldn't be surprised to find out that I come from a line of midwives...all of the women in my matriarchal line are very strong and capable women, and my aunt has worked in obstetrics for most of my life. I have been endlessly fascinated with birth, even before I ever thought about becoming pregnant.

When I went to college, I went for pre-med. Life happened, and I ended up joining the Navy as a linguist {of all things}. I met the love of my life, and we got married and had our beautiful daughters. My first pregnancy reawakened my love of pregnancy and birth. I went back to college after my oldest baby was a year old, and this time, I wanted to go into nursing. The plan was to become a L&D nurse then possibly a midwife.

Before the semester was out, Jay and I decided to have another baby, and...well...nursing school with a newborn wasn't ideal. The plan then was to go pre-med yet again. I KNEW I had a calling for birth work, and this was my next option to make that a reality. But...medical school no longer appealed to me. Not only did I not want to sacrifice my family for my dreams, but the medical model of care felt so wrong to me after having gone through pregnancy and birth myself.

And there it was. I couldn't decide, so I quickly finished college with the most ridiculous of all degrees {don't get me wrong, I love French, but it's not my calling}. And still this longing inside of me for more.

I had Maggie at home, with a certified professional midwife {CPM}, and it was a turning point. This was a new option for me to consider, and it was a much more realistic option. But...homebirth midwifery laws vary state-by-state. In some states, it's perfectly legal for CPMs to work. In other states, it is illegal. And in even other states, it's what is called alegal. There are no laws on the books for midwives, and they could technically be prosecuted, but the state tends to look the other way. With a husband in the military {and knot knowing where we would end up living}, this seemed like a risky path to follow. But it felt so right for me.

I was stuck. I knew what I wanted, but life was making it hard to accept that path. So I did what any normal person in my situation would do, and I decided to become a doula in the meantime.

My family, who are so generous and amazing, must have realized that this was the path for me. They paid for my doula workshop fee as a gift. See? I told you they were amazing! But...again life happened. Shortly after completing the workshop, I found out I was pregnant with my sweet youngest baby. Not only that, but Jay was deploying. So not the perfect time to become a doula. I set it to the side while I tended my family in our greatest time of need, and slowly my heart has been working its way back to birth work.

This brings me to the part where dreams come true!

I know that everyone believes differently, but I can't help but believe that there is a God, and that He is personally invested in each and every one of our lives. I know he has been guiding me towards my calling. Again and again, it comes back to me.

I took a trip out to Arizona in May. I went from May 14th through the 20th. And I remember this so vividly. I was thinking about my 20 year high school reunion {which is coming up quickly, much to my surprise...has it really been that long?!}, and I knew with all of my heart that I was going to be a midwife when that time came. I knew it beyond a shadow of a doubt. I spoke the words. I want to be a midwife. I had my moment of fuzzy heartedness, then I was brought back to reality.

I came back home on the 20th, and things quickly fell back into their normal patterns. I had just started a website to try to get my doula business up and running, and I really was convicted to start working on this. I knew I couldn't work on midwifery just yet, but I could definitely start attending births as a doula, just to get some experience. On May 27th, I started looking at local birth workers' websites to see if they had any local resources {chiropractors and whatnot} that I could link to on my own website. And lo and behold...it happened.

I was on a local CPM's website, and I saw the link. The "Interested in becoming a midwife?" link. And like a moth to a flame, I was drawn. I clicked on it. I truly thought it would be a link with information about becoming a midwife. But it wasn't.

It was an application. To become her apprentice.

I knew the time wasn't right. Jay is deploying again. I have no childcare. But none of it mattered, and I secretively filled it out, announcing to Jay, "I just did something." Then I hit the "submit" button.

"What did you do?" asked Jay.

And...failure. I received an error message saying that the page had possibly expired. "Oh, never mind," I said, a bit dejected. She must have already hired an apprentice, and the link was old. Expired. It was for the best, of course, because I had no business filling it out in the first place.

I later went to bed, and before turning out the lights, I quickly checked my emails. And...what's this? An email...from the midwife? THE midwife! "Thank you for your application. I am out of town, but I look forward to meeting with you to discuss expectations."

And I did meet with her. And I have been working with her for two months now. And it has been everything I ever imagined and more.

This week, I started college again. I am studying midwifery through Midwives College of Utah. It's going to be a few years of school and training, but I am prepared. Obviously God knew I was ready, and he placed me here. He placed that conviction in my heart, and he opened these doors for me.

I feel so extremely blessed. I don't know how many people have their deepest dreams come true, but I am so blessed that I have seen God's hand in my life. Everything I worried about has just...worked out. Almost as if it were magic. And I am now a student midwife. Those words make me smile.

Student midwife.

Dreams do come true.

What I Wish I Knew

I was wrong all these years.

I thought that I wasn't good enough. I thought that I wasn't capable. I waited for someone to remove the veil of my life to expose my inadequacies. To expose my fraudulent life.

 I was wrong. And now I know that my existence is in my hands alone. Circumstances may help mold me, but only in the way that papier-mâché is added after the balloon is expanded. I am the air in the balloon, and I choose how much air to put in there. My soul, my spirit is mine alone, and I choose what to do with it. I feel so many wasted years.

If I can do anything for my daughters, it is to hand them this ability, this confidence of knowing that they really can achieve anything. To imprint in them this knowledge that took me years to earn...so that I can save them from the failure of their misperceptions.

It's a big week!

It's the start of two new years this week. AJ turned one on December 29th, and Zee turns six tomorrow. SIX. Oh. My. Word.

I guess I should update on our life right now. We are doing well. Life is a constant adjustment because it's so fluid, always moving. I think it's hard for this old stick-in-the-mud to accept change. But I'm trying here!



We have made the plunge and started homeschooling this year. I was very convicted to homeschool my children...when they were babies. As the time for schooling approached, my resolve slowly dissolved until I was a quivering mess who didn't know what she wanted to do. Fortunately, I am married to a strong man with strong convictions, and he carried me through this process.

My biggest concern is that I am not a teacher. I'm not talking about teaching certificate, experience, etc. I'm talking about...my gift is not teaching. I don't do it well. There were other concerns, especially because Zee isa miniature me, and I know she would excel in a school setting. It was hard for me to give up all of the school milestones. First day of school. All the art projects coming home with her name and love written all over them. Seeing her grow and make friends.

But the truth is: I actually enjoy homeschooling. I do! This experience has brought a whole new level to our family. We are not only working on academics, but we are dealing with relationships too. Watching my girls grow and learn and play together is amazing. It makes my heart swell with pride and happiness. I feel much closer to my girls and much more active in their lives. Instead of constantly doing things in spite of my girls (hello, cleaning!), I am now doing something with them.

I have almost given up a few times. It's been rough in some senses, I won't lie. Getting on a schedule has been hard. Coming back from breaks is another area where we need to work. But in the end...we have been having fun. And my convictions are growing again.

Anyway...one last thing.

Happy birthday to these sweetlings. They have filled me with so much joy, happiness, and laughter these past years.





See what I mean? This is the pure joy that I get to live with! I wish I could bottle it.

Why, hello there!

*Must make blogging a priority must make blogging a priority must make blogging a priority*

I can feel these days slipping away. My big girl is five. FIVE! When did that happen?! We are at the start of a very...experimental...journey. We are homeschooling! I had wanted this for so long, I really had. But as the time inched closer and closer, the call of public school could be heard louder and louder. The convenience! The fun! The friends! But...we forged ahead with our homeschooling convictions, and here we are.

{And the truth? We're all really enjoying it!}

But seeing my baby grow up is hard. She lost her first tooth. She is talking boys. She started playing soccer {and scored her first goal!}. I am watching her watch me. She is growing up before my eyes. I can't tell you how bittersweet it is. So wonderful to see her coming into her person. But it's not easy losing her either.

Anyway, on that note....

My big girl and I made a treat! I didn't have a recipe, only an idea. So here you go:









I have no clue what to call it? I told Zee that we were making Chocolate Candy Corn Popcorn. So I guess that's what I'll continue to call it? I haven't tried it yet...it's still in the fridge. The two littlies are napping {and Zee put Mae down for her nap, all on her own, while I was getting AJ down for her nap}, and my big girl is currently licking out the bowl of chocolate.

That's a successful day in our home.

Oh, and I hear the door upstairs creaking open.

A Love Letter for my Love Bug

This girl.

She steals hearts. I knew before she was conceived that she would be my feisty one. But I never knew that such a feisty girl could be equally loving. She has given me more than I deserve. Redemption. Forgiveness. And endless cuddles.

Oh my, the cuddles. From the time she was an itty baby, she was such a cuddler (which was quite a change from Zee, who was quite the porcupine).



When Maggie was just days old, I brought her into the tub with me. It was like she was meant for the water. She laid in my lap, reveling in the warm water. It was her paradise, warmth and milk and Mommy. A few months later, we started bringing her in the shower with us. She loved to feel the warm water rain down on her. She would lie her head on our chests and just stay there, perfectly content.

My sweet girl is coming up on three years old. Three! Where have the years gone? A blink of an eye ago, she was just my itty bitty, giving her feisty smiles, challenging us with her eyes.

She is still so cuddly though, even while challenging us. Our koala bear.

Commonalities

We are in a new place. Back in Colorado Springs, but that's not what I mean. For the first time in our military experience, Jay and I decided to move on post (or base for those non-Army folks). We are living in military housing. There are a few really good reasons why we chose to do this, and we are very happy with the choice.

Happy indeed.

I have yet one more reason that I love it, and it's not one I can really explain too well.

This is the sight I see out my front door.



I know it's hard to see (because I was trying to photograph the gorgeous clouds and not the so-so houses), but take a closer look at this picture.

The houses on post...there are two types. The old houses and the new houses. If you're "lucky", you get a new house. We were not "lucky", and I realize now what a misconception I had about it. The old houses have been renovated, so for all intents and purposes, they are the same on the inside as the new houses.

But the outside. Oh my. Are those clotheslines I see?! Indeed, they are. The new houses, the "lucky" people...they don't have that.

When I sit out on my back patio, I see old brick houses from the early '70's. And seeing all of those clotheslines brings me back. It reminds me of a time before I was alive. How 40 years ago, some women here were the "lucky" ones getting new houses. How they sat in this same exact spot and saw the same exact view.

And I think about how life was so different then. Yes, phones were around, but long distance calls were expensive. These families didn't get to talk to their loved ones every day. Phone calls home were special. That left them each other to rely on. I can see them now, the women in their house dresses, out hanging their wet laundry together, talking to each other with clothespins in their mouths. Helping each other, being there for each other when their families could not be.

This house has been lived in. It has been full of strong women before me. I hope I can live up to what this house begs of me.

A New Addition!

It has been a long, long, looooong time since I've posted here. Many changes. But the biggest one of all: a sweet new addition! Please welcome our newest daughter (and yes, that's right, we have three daughters).

New in the world:



And now, five months later: