Uh oh!

It's the day we have dreaded since August 20, 2005. In case you didn't know (and I'm sure you didn't), that is the day we had our big ultrasound to find out whether Zee was a boy or a girl. She's obviously a girl, and J's first reaction was along the lines of "I guess I'll need to buy a shot gun."

The day has come. J might need to get that shot gun.

Okay, not really, but close enough! Zee has a boyfriend. That's right. A boyfriend! His name is Cooper, and he hangs the sun, and his word is God's honest truth. According to Zee, at least. Whenever I ask her about her day at school, she always always talks about Cooper. I finally asked Zee's teacher, Ms. Jay Jay, who Zee normally plays with. Before I finished the question, Ms. Jay Jay answered, "Cooper!"

Apparently they're two peas in a pod. Whenever the kids have to partner up, they're right there for each other. And last week, while telling me about her day, Zee informed me that she saw a spider (or, as she puts it, a 'pider) at school and that it was yucky. After I informed her that spiders are not yucky, she said, "Yes they are! Cooper said so!" Well then. Mommy obviously has no clue. If Cooper says they're yucky, then they're yucky.

I am actually very happy for Zee. It really warms my heart to see her making friends. It is the sweetest thing to know that she has a buddy, and it really gives me the encouragement I've needed to keep her in MDO.

On a completely different topic, I haven't written much about sweet Mae. She is growing, and she's just so darn sweet! Every time I see her, I'm just so amazed that my body created and grew such a sweet being. She is so perfectly cute, but the best of all? She is a happy baby. She always wakes up with a smile on her face, and that makes my heart melt. And bathtime? All three of us girls (Zee, Mae and me) take our bath together, and we get to play, and it just puts the biggest smile on Mae's face. Zee loves to pretend to be a shark, and she insists that Mae is a baby mermaid. We make Mae feed Zee the Mean Shark "fishies" (make-believe fish), and they both just love it. Mae also loves to dance in the water. She stands up (with me holding her, obviously) and moves her feet all over the place. It's perfect. I love our bathtime!

And also so wonderful? Mae's first laugh. It was really an attempt more than an actual laugh, but that counts, right? She was just so happy to be awake from her nap, and she laughed at me. It was like a fluttering in my heart.

I am blessed.

Playing Cinderella

Zee has this great imagination on her! She dearly loves to pretend to be a princess and dance around. Did you know that princesses MUST dance with their eyes closed?! Me neither.

Yesterday Zee decided that she was "Cinner-enna" as she calls her favorite princess. I got the dubious honor of being the evil step-mother. I guess there really weren't any other female roles for a mommy, but I wasn't exactly honored that the step-mother was the role Zee immediately thought of when she assigned my role. Well, as we played, I learned that apparently Zee never realized that the step-mother was evil. Thank goodness she doesn't automatically associate me with evil!

Pretend play isn't easy for me unfortunately. I remember being a kid and thinking that I'd never stop playing pretend, and here I am...just where I said I wouldn't be. I think the very fact that I have a hard time doing it now means that I NEED to do it more. I know Zee would appreciate that for sure. Practice makes perfect, right? I just need to open my heart and brain to my inner child and remember how to let go.

So I guess I'm off to play princesses!

Compassion...you're doing it right

A few days ago, Zee and I were on our way home from a quick trip to Target and a car pulled out in front of me. A very slooooow and stinky car emitting a ton of exhaust. Zee asked me what was wrong with the car, so I told her that it was broken. She sat thinking for a moment, then...


"Oh, I know! Maybe we can get him a new car!"

"That's really nice of you, Zee, but I don't think we can get him a new car. You are such a kind girl who really thinks about others!"

Another moment passes by then, "Oh I know! Maybe we can give him our car!"


Obviously we're doing well in teaching her compassion. Now how to start teaching her about finances. Philanthropy is great and all, but first we need money.

P.S. - After praising her compassion, I tried to help her come up with feasible ways to help someone with a broken car...like offering to give him a ride...as opposed to giving him a (or OUR) car. I love this girl!

My Little Trickster

I know it's bad to laugh and give in to her tricks, but oh my...I can't help it, try as I might! Zee is learning to deceive (unfortunately as far as morals go, fortunately as far as laughs go). Her goofball antics just leave me cracking up!

I discovered yesterday that one of her beloved binkies...yes she still uses and loves them beyond comprehension...had a hole in it. She was sitting so quietly at my feet picking at her blue binky, and finally she handed it to me and asked me to "take it off". I looked closely at her binky and didn't notice anything on it and told her so, so she pointed to a small spot on the nipple. I looked, and sure enough, there was a small hole where she had been picking. Being the paranoid mother that I am, I informed her that it was time for the binky to go into the garbage because of the hole. This, of course, led to a slight meltdown (and it actually was slight). I didn't actually put it in the garbage can, as that would have set off a full-blown tantrum. Instead, I set it on the computer desk and tried to negotiate with her. In the end, J ended up taking her for a shower, which I hoped would help her forget the broken binky.

I should have known better.

In case you didn't know, Zee has an incredible memory. Especially when you don't want her to remember something. It's uncanny how it works out like that. I honestly think she spent the entire shower wondering how she could get that binky back. As soon as she was finished, still wrapped in her towel, hair dripping wet and tangled, she came running up to me with her other binky in her mouth. She mumbled something to me, and I asked her to take out her binky so I could understand. Then she repeated herself.

"Mommy, my binky needs her friend."
"What friend?"
"The 'nother binky!"
"Your other binkies are in your bed."
"No, THAT binky!"
"Which binky?" (At this point I knew where we were headed, but I wanted her to clarify.)
"The binky on the ka-pooter table!" Said while pointing to the broken binky.

Fair enough. I was laughing because it really was so creative of her, and of course I gave her back the broken binky. I still need to get it back from her, but my goodness...I couldn't resist the twinkle in her eye that she got when she finally "bested" me!

I cannot...CANNOT...let this continue, otherwise I'll have a diva on my hands! Must.be.strong.

Blessings

As I sit here, I can hear my sweet Mae snarggling away in her sleep. She is one noisy sleeper! I love the sweet grunty noises she makes; there's something so innocent about those noises. I may not be able to type long because she is in the process of waking up. And I'm sure Zee will be awake soon as well.

Our girls are such blessings to J and me! They help define us and make us better people. I'm so excited to raise these little people into good and kind beings. I love seeing all of the changes day in and day out. And even the hard days leave me smiling because, well...these little girls are amazing! The things that Zee comes up with (she is SUCH a little thinker! Her thought processes just amaze me...), or the sweet new baby smiles that Maggie so freely gives. No bad day can overshadow those perfect little moments.

As we were driving Zee to her Mother's Day Out program today, J "cawed" like a crow, and Zee said, "No, Daddy!" Joel asked her why he couldn't caw, and she answered, "That for the birds to say!" So he then asked her when he could talk to the birds, and she said, "When there a bird, Daddy!" It was the funniest and cutest conversation, and it really showed me how much Zee can understand now. Just one little insight into my bright girl's mind!

Introducing Mae!

I realize that it's been almost a month, but...well, things have been busy to say the least! And here's why....

On Thursday and Friday (9/25-9/26), I started having signs of impending labor (all the lovely stuff - losing mucus plug, braxton hicks contractions, etc.). I called my midwife and informed her that it might be happening soon, and I started getting excited. So then comes Saturday, September 27, my due date. And nothing. I mean NOTHING. Not even a single contraction. I figured that I would be pregnant for a while longer, so I wasn't terribly disappointed, but there's something about going over your due date. It's a little depressing and a little frightening. The apprehension keeps building.

So, I woke up at 1 am on the 28th to go pee. I noticed that things were really wet down below, so I turned on the bathroom light to check it out. It was bloody show! Something was happening! I went back to bed excited, but every time I rolled over, I felt fluid leaking out. After an hour of this, I decided to go check things out. I turned on the bathroom light again, and my undies were SOAKED despite my pantiliner. I hadn't realized that much fluid was gushing out! I called for J to bring me a new pair of underwear, and he was a little put off, seeing as it was 2 am, lol. I told him that I though my water had broken, but he didn't seem impressed. I think he wanted to go back to bed! I decided to call my mom and then my midwife. My midwife told me to try to get as much sleep as I could and to call her once contractions started. I finally fell asleep around 2:30 am.

At about 5 am, I woke up to light contractions about ten minutes apart. I lay in bed for about an hour timing them, and they got closer, about six minutes apart. J got up at 5:45 to get ready for work, and I had to remind him that my water had broken and that I didn't think he should go into work that day. We hung out for a while, and I finally called my midwife back at about 8:30 to tell her that my contraction were about six minutes apart. She told me she was on her way over.

After we hung up, my contractions started coming about 3-4 minutes apart, and that's when I knew it was really going to happen! The midwife got to our house and started setting up, though I was still somewhat in denial. Since my labor with Zee was ridiculously long, I thought this labor would go on for a while as well. I didn't think it was necessary to start setting up so early, but she thought it was a good idea. Better too early than too late, is what she said.

The midwife's preceptor happened to be at a birth, so she had to call in another midwife from the Atlanta area. She had never met this midwife in person, so of course I hadn't met her either, not that I was bothered by that. My midwife also had her apprentice come over then. So, I had three women to help me labor, and it was so perfect. I really needed all of them...they each supported me in their own way, and I needed it all.

I labored all day long. At around 2 pm, I got in the birth tub at the midwives' insistence. It slowed my contractions, so I got out. J came in and asked me to take my pants and underwear off because according to the midwives, it was affected my mental progress. I had a bit of a hard time walking around pantsless, but they gave me my privacy, which I appreciated. By this point, my contractions were getting to be really painful...I was starting to enter the "I can't do this" stage. My midwife asked if I would feel better if she checked my dilation, and I said yes. It wasn't good...I was only four centimeters dilated.

This was the hardest part mentally. I knew I had time to go to the hospital and get an epidural. This is when I really started needing my midwives' and J's support. They got me through this period beautifully! About two hours later, my midwife checked me again and I was 7-8 centimeters, and I knew that I wasn't going to the hospital then. My labor was insanely painful, though I don't remember it as much now. My midwife tried to manually stretch my cervix, but it was way too painful for me, and I begged her to stop. She told me that if she could just hold back my cervix that the baby would be there in no time. I couldn't handle it though, so she stopped. I labored for a bit longer, and she checked me again. I was fully dilated except for a bit of lip.

At this point, my cervix was starting to swell, so my midwife insisted on holding back the lip and having me push. The funny thing about this part of my labor is that I remember screaming at my midwife to please stop, but according to her I didn't scream. They had me try several different positions: on my hands and knees on the bed, hugging the birth ball, the birth tub. What worked best (really what worked for most of my labor) was squatting. I stood at the end of my bed while my midwife held my cervix, and I pushed and begged my midwife to stop. Finally I was begging her to take her hands out of me, and she showed me both of her hands. "That's the baby's head you're feeling, not my hands!" I can honestly say that even though I say her hands, I did not believe her. They all yelled at me to push, and I pushed and pushed as hard as I possibly could. I thought I was going to collapse from pushing so hard. I was standing at the end of the bed, with my left leg on my midwife's shoulder, Joel supporting my wobbling right leg, and all of a sudden they yelled, "Her head is out!" I again didn't believe them! In the next moment, I pushed Mae out (sunny side up!), and they handed her to me. They helped me over to the bed, and I got to finally rest and look at my baby.

I was still in a good deal of pain, and quite a bit of shock that I actually had my baby in my arms. Within about 15 minutes, I had delivered the placenta. They brought Zee in to meet her sister, and one of the first things she said was, "Her hair is brownies! And red!" The red was blood from my minor tear. I couldn't believe how perceptive Izzy was! After about an hour, J cut the cord, and I got to take a shower. They did the newborn exam, and Mae weighed 8 lbs 3 oz! Over a pound heavier than Zee! Finally, my midwife stitched me up, cleaned up the mess, packed up and left. Four hours after Mae was born, we were all alone as a family of four.

All in all...it was perfect. I wouldn't have said that directly after the birth, lol, but now that I'm almost a month out I can say it. It was perfect. And I still can't believe I did it!

Mae is the sweetest little being. I feel so overly protective of her. She is very cuddly, and I end up holding her for hours and hours, but I can't bear to let her go. She is a very efficient nurser, and nursing has been going well since the beginning. She doesn't look much like Zee did, but she's super cute. She has crazy hair (J calls it her "mad scientist" hair!) with some bright copper highlights. She is just wonderful, and I'm so so in love!

Guess what today is?!

It's officially my due date! I know that it's really an estimate, and I actually expected to go over, as I did with Zee, but it's really exciting to know that we will be meeting our newest baby soon! We finished up some last-minute stuff today, mainly getting the birthing pool set up, but also buying some last minute supplies. I loved the look on the Lowe's salesperson's face when I asked for a sink adapter so that I could hook up a garden hose to an indoor sink. I know he thought we were insane! And maybe we are, but it's important to us to try to have the birth we want. And it's important to me to "heal" from my birth experience with Zee. I need to know that I can do this!

J had a funny moment at work today. He and the girl he works with (they are the only two people who can do their job) have worked out an arrangement so that they each work a half day on the weekends. Anyway, they were discussing the logistics of this arrangement when his coworker told him, "If your wife goes into labor while I'm gone, wait for five minutes, then you can leave. It only takes me 15 minutes to get there." He had to explain to her (and she really had no clue) that childbirth is not at all what is portrayed in the movies, and that he could wait that 15 minutes for her to arrive. She said she thought it would happen quickly, then was completely shocked when he told her about my 35 hour labor with Zee. I just thought it was so funny that someone, a female especially, wouldn't know that labors aren't usually so quick!

I'm awake yet again due to pregnant insomnia/having to pee all the time, so I'm trying to enjoy some last minute alone time. I love having this time to myself, just to enjoy the peace and quiet. I enjoy spending my days with Zee, though I don't have nearly the amount of energy as needed to keep up with her these days, but there really is something so refreshing about being alone for a bit. I think that J doesn't quite understand this, since he's such a social person, but God bless him for giving me what I need regardless. He's an amazing man!

I should crawl back into bed soon and attempt to sleep. I just know this baby will decide to come on a night I've stayed awake far too long. I definitely need the rest, even at the expense of my precious alone time!

So close!

So far this pregnancy has been the complete opposite of what I experienced with Zee. But now the two pregnancies have one thing in common: my non-dilating cervix. My midwife assured me that this labor would not be the same as my labor with Zee, but so far my body is proving her wrong. As much as I want to meet this baby and see her sweet little face, I am not overly anxious for her to arrive. I am content to let my uterus hold her close until she decides she is ready to meet the world. Zee reminds me almost daily that the baby will be born on the baby's birthday; it's really so sweet, and it reminds me that yes...this baby will have a birthday of her own choosing, which makes it so special. As uncomfortable as I have been, I love the surprise and suspense that come with being due any day. This little girl will be here when she is ready!

We've had a stressful month, and at times I questioned why all of these things had to pile up as my due date was so quickly approaching. I've finally come to the conclusion that a) it's better for all of it to happen before the baby is here, and b) God really is making sure that I'm prepared for this birth. I've been in a terribly negative mindset regarding this birth lately, but all of the stressful events of the month have forced me to let go. I can only imagine that it is going to help this birth to let go of the negativity, to let go of the control issues, to let go of my fears. To embrace the help from others, to realize that we are loved, and to look forward to this baby's arrival as the blessing that it is, rather than worry and stress over it.

One of the last issues holding me back in regards to this pregnancy is the fact that J and I just cannot decide on the baby's name. I KNOW what her name is...I have grown this little being inside of my body for 39 weeks and five days now (and we actually do know the exact date of conception - Happy Birthday, Zee!). I have such an intimate knowledge of her little personality already, something J just can't know right now. I know how she moves, how she feels inside of me, what positions she likes, when she is awake or asleep. I know her. I wish J trusted me with this knowledge, but instead he thinks I'm fighting for the name I want, when really I'm fighting for the name that fits her. We have agreed on several names, but when I "try them on", they just don't work for her. So, one of my deepest desires at this moment is that once she is here in my arms, J will realize that this is our daughter, and that this is her name.

And just for reference, I'm not stressing over the name just for the name's sake, but we need a birth certificate as soon as possible in order to enroll her in the military's healthcare system so she can be seen immediately and have her newborn testing done. This part of planning a homebirth is a little more stressful (since I won't have the hospital taking care of it all), but it will be worth it to have a triumphant birth!

That was really rambly, but I feel like I need to get everything out, to help let go and welcome this baby properly. My mind has been spinning, and it's finally releasing all of the negativity that has been recently hanging out there.

Growing Up

Zee started her first day of pre-preschool today. Okay, so it's actually a Mother's Day Out program, but they do follow a curriculum and attempt to educate the littlies. Zee was so very excited about packing and carrying her lunchbox, which is probably the coolest thing ever when it comes to starting school. She also didn't cry at all at drop-off, even though the rest of the class was. She definitely has her mommy's attitude regarding school - she LOVES it! I'm so proud =).

On that note, I'm not sure how I feel about the whole preschool thing. J and I have been seriously considering homeschooling our children, but I can't seem to resist the pull of traditional schooling. Maybe it's because I remember preschool and how much I loved it. Maybe it's because I lack confidence in my ability to actually educate my little people and prepare them for the world. I don't know, but I find that I'm having a hard time getting out of the traditional school mindset. Especially when I see how excited my little girl is about going to school.


Some new Izziosyncrasies:
--It's become a tradition that Joel and I take Izzy to see the horses on base after we drop off our recyclables, but yesterday, after taking her to see the horses and asking if she would like to ride one someday, she announced, "I gonna be a COWBOY!"

--Last week, while driving home from JoAnn Fabrics, Izzy randomly informed me, "My eyes are brownies!" It made my bad day so much better *heart*.

--Three weeks ago, after Joel had to slam on the brakes when traffic suddenly went from 65 to 0, Izzy shouted out, "HOLY CRAP!" Then after noting the amount of laughter that caused, shouted out again, "Holy crap, Dad!" It's time for me to start thinking about what I say around her....


Anyway, now that Izzy has started school twice a week and this baby has not made her appearance (though she is very welcome to come anytime after tomorrow!), I might actually be able to start focusing on this blog a little more. I always have things I want to write so I can look back and remember these sweet days, but it's really hard to find the time to do so.

It's been a while....

Wow...life got busy! Between school and family, it's been tough getting time to myself. But things have changed, and now I have a little more free time on my hands! I decided to take a break from school this summer and fall in anticipation of our newest little one, making an appearance sometime around September/October. I just finished my spring semester, and I'm really enjoying the time off from school. Zee and I are able to spend more time together, and my evenings are more enjoyable now that I don't have homework to worry about. Anyway, I need to get back on track with blogging, since it's my way to chronicle the little things going on in my life so I can look back some day and remember how wonderful it was. So, here I am!